If I Had a Robot

If I had a domestic robot of my own, like say a Pepper or an ASIMO, what would I do with it?

There are many things I’d “do” with it, because I swing that way, but let’s keep it PG. After all, Aldebaran preempted me on that front.

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I’d rediscover nature

The first thing I’d do would be to act out on my futuristic realist principles and take the robot to the last place robots are ever usually seen— the great outdoors. Being an asociable asshat means I’d rather go on a nature walk with a robot than a human, because I’m the kind of person who’d do that.

What will we do out there? Should I also possess smartglasses, we’ll be on an expedition to view an outdoor wikipedia, looking at various animals and plants and seeing various factoids about them.

More than that, I’ll be using that robot as protection. The wilderness is home to many wonderful beasts and species, diverse and beautiful.

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I hope we spot Bigfoot in these woods… or at least something paranormal

But there are some things that cannot be explained. Things that escape science. Things that are unknown.

Throwing a piece of ultra-high tech like ASIMO out into cryptid-infested woodlands is exactly the kind of thing I’d do and be proud of doing. In fact, what a better segue into the second thing I’d do than with this sort of high strangeness?

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Using a robot to find ghosts is apparently a rare topic, seldom considered by those in the field of ghost hunting. While I’ve found a few instances of the idea, it remains fleeting. This means I can jump on the bandwagon first. Get rich.

All I hafta do is send my droid to the Myrtles Plantation, which is about an hour’s drive from my home. Better yet, I could send two droids to the plantation.

And I guess it would be ironic that I would be sending robots to a place known for using slaves. After all, the third thing I’d do with my robot is nothing less than technoslavery.

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I’ll exploit my robot’s labor by having it work at a fast food joint, where it’ll earn my paycheck. I’ve already labeled using technology in place of a worker ‘technostism’, so of course I’d get to be the pioneer of the movement. How wonderful would that be, to have this sort of passive income.

Alas, there are still kinks to work out before any such robot will be ready to do any of these things, and good god I can’t stop putting in innuendos everywhere. Maybe that’s because I’m a fucking robosexual, and the first thing I really want to do is bed the sexy thing. I dunno. That’s just me.

If you got your own robot, what’s the first thing you would do with it?

Author: Yuli Ban

I'm an aspiring novelist with a terminal lack of a life.

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